Rules for Fighter Fair - David K. Bernard

In every significant relationship the partners will sometimes disagree. Differences of opinion are not necessarily a problem but can be a strength. The goal isn’t to eliminate them but to handle them in a mature, constructive fashion. Here are thirteen guidelines for managing disagreements in marriage.

Don’t yell, scream, or use harsh or offensive language. Verbal or emotional abuse is never appropriate. (See Ephesians 5:29–33; I Peter 3:7.)

Never resort to physical violence or intimidation. Physical abuse, whether hitting, pushing, or physical threat, is never appropriate. (See I Timothy 3:3; I Peter 3:7.)

Don’t withhold physical intimacy. (See I Corinthians 7:3–5.) Husband and wife are to respect one another’s needs, feelings, and desires. It’s wrong to make demands and wrong to use intimacy as a weapon or means of control.

Don’t attack one another. Instead, speak about feelings and needs. Rather than making an accusation or placing blame, describe your concern in terms of your feelings. Instead of saying, “Why did you do this?” or “You mistreated me,” say, “When you did this, I felt disrespected (hurt, sad).” This form of expression opens the opportunity for discussion. It facilitates empathy, explanation, and apology when needed.

Don’t accuse one another of character flaws. Speak about specific actions or problems. If you say, “You never do this,” or “You always do that,” it sounds like an attack on your partner’s personality, and the partner is likely to react defensively. Instead, address specific behaviors or incidents: “This is what concerned me; this is what I was upset about.”

Don’t discuss matters over which the other person has little or no control. Criticism of your partner’s appearance, personality, or family is typically counterproductive because he or she has limited ability to make changes.

Don’t raise issues that have been resolved in the past. Once you have discussed something thoroughly and resolved it, don’t bring it up again. Once you have apologized or accepted an apology, the matter is settled. Love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs (I Corinthians 13:5). Address new issues and concerns only.

Don’t fight in front of other people, especially your own children. Any significant arguments should be in private or with a mediator. Don’t use public comments to send a message or to jab at your spouse, not even so-called humor.

Don’t humiliate. One of the worst things you can do is belittle or demean your spouse publicly. Don’t contradict, criticize, or blame your spouse to cause embarrassment in front of others, whether a close friend or the whole church.

Speak from facts not assumption, suspicion, jealousy, or rumor. People often jump to conclusions, especially to assume the worst, even with someone they love and have found to be trustworthy over many years. One simple statement or question, even from a stranger, can suddenly cause suspicion. In such a case restrain your emotional reaction. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, and think of a plausible scenario that would explain the circumstances. When talking to your spouse about a question, make sure you speak from knowledge. Limit your comments to facts, don’t accuse, and give your spouse an opportunity to explain.

Think before you speak and take a time out if necessary. Sometimes a situation becomes so emotional that further discussion is counterproductive. If either spouse believes this is happening, he or she should have the right to ask for a timeout. The other spouse should honor this request and not continue to press for immediate discussion. The timeout isn’t a way of avoiding an important issue, but it provides time for cooling off, reflection, prayer, and possibly counsel. It must be coupled with a commitment to address the issue in a timely but more productive way. One spouse might decide to go for a walk, a drive, prayer, or counsel while promising to discuss the matter later that day or the next day when both have time.

Kiss and make up. “‘Be angry, and do not sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath” (Ephesians 4:26, NKJV). Don’t let your anger result in sinful words or actions. Don’t let it turn into a grudge or an ongoing battle. If possible, resolve any disagreement the same day; don’t go to bed angry. Doing so damages emotional and physical intimacy and makes reconciliation more difficult. Even if you cannot settle the underlying problem in one day, at least you can apologize to each other for the disagreement, express your love for one another, and promise to resolve it later.

Pray together. Trust grows when your spouse sees your vulnerability and openness towards God and hears you ask for forgiveness and assistance. Most of all, your prayer invites God to intervene and to strengthen your relationship. Praying together fosters unity and faith, which in turn bring the blessings of God.

Adapted from Spiritual Leadership in the Twenty-First Century

ery significant relationship the partners will sometimes disagree. Differences of opinion are not necessarily a problem but can be a strength. The goal isn’t to eliminate them but to handle them in a mature, constructive fashion. Here are thirteen guidelines for managing disagreements in marriage.

Don’t yell, scream, or use harsh or offensive language. Verbal or emotional abuse is never appropriate. (See Ephesians 5:29–33; I Peter 3:7.)

Never resort to physical violence or intimidation. Physical abuse, whether hitting, pushing, or physical threat, is never appropriate. (See I Timothy 3:3; I Peter 3:7.)

Don’t withhold physical intimacy. (See I Corinthians 7:3–5.) Husband and wife are to respect one another’s needs, feelings, and desires. It’s wrong to make demands and wrong to use intimacy as a weapon or means of control.

Don’t attack one another. Instead, speak about feelings and needs. Rather than making an accusation or placing blame, describe your concern in terms of your feelings. Instead of saying, “Why did you do this?” or “You mistreated me,” say, “When you did this, I felt disrespected (hurt, sad).” This form of expression opens the opportunity for discussion. It facilitates empathy, explanation, and apology when needed.

Don’t accuse one another of character flaws. Speak about specific actions or problems. If you say, “You never do this,” or “You always do that,” it sounds like an attack on your partner’s personality, and the partner is likely to react defensively. Instead, address specific behaviors or incidents: “This is what concerned me; this is what I was upset about.”

Don’t discuss matters over which the other person has little or no control. Criticism of your partner’s appearance, personality, or family is typically counterproductive because he or she has limited ability to make changes.

Don’t raise issues that have been resolved in the past. Once you have discussed something thoroughly and resolved it, don’t bring it up again. Once you have apologized or accepted an apology, the matter is settled. Love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs (I Corinthians 13:5). Address new issues and concerns only.

Don’t fight in front of other people, especially your own children. Any significant arguments should be in private or with a mediator. Don’t use public comments to send a message or to jab at your spouse, not even so-called humor.

Don’t humiliate. One of the worst things you can do is belittle or demean your spouse publicly. Don’t contradict, criticize, or blame your spouse to cause embarrassment in front of others, whether a close friend or the whole church.

Speak from facts not assumption, suspicion, jealousy, or rumor. People often jump to conclusions, especially to assume the worst, even with someone they love and have found to be trustworthy over many years. One simple statement or question, even from a stranger, can suddenly cause suspicion. In such a case restrain your emotional reaction. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, and think of a plausible scenario that would explain the circumstances. When talking to your spouse about a question, make sure you speak from knowledge. Limit your comments to facts, don’t accuse, and give your spouse an opportunity to explain.

Think before you speak and take a time out if necessary. Sometimes a situation becomes so emotional that further discussion is counterproductive. If either spouse believes this is happening, he or she should have the right to ask for a timeout. The other spouse should honor this request and not continue to press for immediate discussion. The timeout isn’t a way of avoiding an important issue, but it provides time for cooling off, reflection, prayer, and possibly counsel. It must be coupled with a commitment to address the issue in a timely but more productive way. One spouse might decide to go for a walk, a drive, prayer, or counsel while promising to discuss the matter later that day or the next day when both have time.

Kiss and make up. “‘Be angry, and do not sin’: do not let the sun go down on your wrath” (Ephesians 4:26, NKJV). Don’t let your anger result in sinful words or actions. Don’t let it turn into a grudge or an ongoing battle. If possible, resolve any disagreement the same day; don’t go to bed angry. Doing so damages emotional and physical intimacy and makes reconciliation more difficult. Even if you cannot settle the underlying problem in one day, at least you can apologize to each other for the disagreement, express your love for one another, and promise to resolve it later.

Pray together. Trust grows when your spouse sees your vulnerability and openness towards God and hears you ask for forgiveness and assistance. Most of all, your prayer invites God to intervene and to strengthen your relationship. Praying together fosters unity and faith, which in turn bring the blessings of God.

Adapted from Spiritual Leadership in the Twenty-First Century